COME THE FUCK ON, Bridget!

What's that the kids say when the ball rolls into another team's field? "Lil' help?"

yeah - I need you help.

Am. blocked.

No, not like that. (though most days you'd be right)

I mean, writer-blocked.

So, where you come in...questions for me? Ideas? Something you want to hear?

Am totally whoring myself out for you. My public. My friends. My.....soulmates. (you're my density, ...I mean - destiny!)

Just be breezey.  This site doesn't cure cancer or anything.

Winner of best of ideas, wins A Major Award.

And by major award, I just recently rediscovered the worst picture of myself and maybe I'll allow you to caption it.

For reals.

Listen- I'd help you out. Or maybe I have already.  Be mah friend.

Jesus. H, people.

Chip-chop-chip.

Thanks.

In the spirit of things that ARE a good read as of late (unlike these digs), might I walk you over to this gem about butter. And kitchen drawers. Burberry cars. oh yah, and arson.

Not your mama's babysitter

It's never too early to teach them the importance of proper pretty summer feet.

Sarah's first pedicure

Sar, age 5.5.

If only the Mileys and the Jamie Lynns and the Vanessas knew just how little it took to freak out their target audience.

I have to say I consider myself very fortunate to live in the little neighborhood that I do.  It's nothing fancy, everybody's cool, people actually talk to each other, take in each other's mail if you're away,  and (*gasp*!) hang out with each other from time to time. I really like where we landed for this being our first house because Lord knows, it can be a total crap-shoot.

Of all the neighbors, Mike I and probably speak most often with the neighbors to our left (henceforth NTOL).  They're a fun couple with 3 kids: 1 boy who just turned 13, and twins, a boy and girl,  who just turned 11. The daughter of NTOL is a tougher version of me at that age.  In fact, I would go so far to say we even look like we could have been related, if I could transport the 1984 version of myself to 2008: very thin, lanky, light brown bobed-hair, quiet in front of adults, not a girly-girl and sports minded.  The exception to our eerie similarities is that she is can probably kick the crap out of the boys her age, maybe even older, and I was only capable of hurling a few insults... in my mind.  Somehwat due to my perceived Mini-Me of Me, I have tried to make some kind of connection to her, thinking she might like having a sporty lady neighbor who's not too old and kind of cool-type to talk to, or kick a ball around with or perhaps just a "Hey, what's up?" amidst the karate kicks she wielding on her brothers' friends' breadbaskets.  For the most part, no luck.

The girl is a soccer player, and was having some new issues crop up this year, namely with being afraid of the ball being kicked at her.   Her dad, who's also her coach, asked her if he could get Mrs. F (that would be me, although they now know I go by my long last name and not Mrs. F) to work with her, would she be down with that idea. She nodded feverishly and said, "yeah, yeah!"  So I did and despite my best jokes and easy going manner, she didn't say a word to me the entire time. 

As weeks went by I would try to engage her in conversation.  I would ask her about her games ("I heard you did well today." response: a head nod, I would respond to the nod, "Ya know, you CAN use your words with me.") and I would play basketball with her and talk trash the entire time. See me? Easy breezy.

Then one day came and out of the blue, in front of her pals, without her parents in sight, she SPOKE to me.  Really, it was such sweet vindication.  She told me about her game that she won, and a few other things I can't recall, but it was like, finally, girl realizes I'm not going to eat her brains.

Fast forward about a month, one of the hottest and humid nights of the summer so far, and the neighbors knocked on our door and asked if we want to come over for a beer and a swim.  Seeing as the temperature inside our house was what felt like 85 degrees (with the fans going), the air the consistency of pureed soup, I was all, "UH, WOULD I?"

Immediately I put on my suit, found a sixers-worth of beer for the cooler and walked over.  Seriously, if I could have married that pool that night, I would have.

Later, over a beer, Mrs. Neighbor said to me, "You know, when you first got into the pool, T. came running in to the house and over to me,  'Mrs. Lil-uh,...uh..Mrs. Fra.......JEN'S WEARING A BIKINI!!!'"

So, to sum up, an 11 year old girl saw me in a bikini (many! exclamation! points!!!).  I really hope this....this atrocity hasn't set back our relationship 10 paces.  I really don't want to go back to deciphering the tween's grunts again.

Quotes from the Potty Training Seat, The Libinator, age 2.5

Lib: Mommy! Mommy! I did it! I did it!

The Mom: [inspects Shorty's port-o-can] Uh, no you didn't. Not even a drop.

Lib: Oh.....[thinks about things] I try again.

____________________________________

(While handily courting the fruit snack bribe from Mom)

Lib: I'll take my fruit snack now.

Mom: When you've gone potty you can.

Lib: You can get it ready for me. ('get it ready' for her?)

Mom: Libby, when your done, I'll give you a fruit snack.

Lib: You can give it to me now. I'll just hold it.  Trust me.

( "you'll just hold it"? "Trust me"?? Uh...no.)

_____________________________________

On two separate occassions from her Aunt Kate and her mom, it's been asked what kind of underpants she wants.

So Lib, what kind of underpants to you want?  You want Princess? Dora?...

Lib: RED.


Yeah, I can't wait to see how this one grows up. 

A bull riding thing

I'm sitting at workand I'm thinking lots of things, like, woah, 2 beers with lunch- was this ....a good idea? Now Current status: sleepy, full, a little buzzed and have to work for 3 more hours. Ugh.

 Now I'm staring at an e-mail I'd tacked to my wall about a client's picnic where among other items, they're gonna have "a bull riding thing (not a real mechanical bull)" and really,  I don't know what that's supposed to be, but seeing as I provide their insurance, I might want to look into what a "bull riding thing - not real mechanical bull" means.  (so, you have a real bull, a mchanical bull...what is option 3?? anyone??)

It should also be noted that that same e-mail contained "and I hope to geta real pony"...yeah, so do I, bro, so do I.

Anyone else get the random requests like this at work.  And anyone know what a bull riding thing is?





Want to get in my poster?

Dear Lakers fans:

Boy....this is awkward.

NBA Finals Basketball

Dear God, THANK YOU!!!1!!

What has 2 thumbs, crappy ass teeth, and A HOT, NEW DENTIST?

THIS moi!

Seriously, very cute dentist alert! I didn't even know they MADE cute dentists. When did you invent this gem, God? OMG, this is so awesome. I can't even believe it.  I am never missing an appointment again.  Flossing? Oh, I will GET ON THAT, if you know what I'm sayin.  And I am SO glad that today, in  some kind of random, good-karmic fluke, I did my hair in a Party Hair look (loose waves with a curling iron. perhaps you would like a picture?) this morning.  Yeah, good call, me.

As I was telling my colleague TugBoat  about the visit (no relation to Madge's TB, by the way) is that unlike other parts, you teeth give you away, you know, right away.  I mean, it's not like going to a doctor stepping on a scale and tell turn to your doctor, "um, yeahhhh, I'm still carrying a little vacation weight. No worries."  Your sins of the past are prominiently and immediately on display and I don't know about you, but personally, when I start to "see someone new", I like to give them The Good and The Funny, Responsible, Pretty-Haired, I am not a Flake-me, trap them in my lair of awesome, and then after the 3 months of my tomfakery,  THEN and only then do they find out I'm a lazy shit.  Because by that point, and  not going to sugarcoat this, it is impossible to break away from me. Because that feeling that you feel? Is love and it is DEEP.

Oh, and when he introduced himself, he just said, "I'm John."  Oh, swoon.

Anyway,  December 4th: any idea of what I should wear? I'm going for "adorable but not trying too hard."

Updated to add: Duh, I have an appointment with Dr. Swoonface this Wednesday* for a filling. That's 2 days.  I have to plan this by tomorrow night!  Oh, do people still sleep in the pink rollers?

(* The "this Wednesday" reference is totally coincidental, Jenny.  However, it does mean the Wednesday you were speaking to.)

London Calling

Janes Bond attitude.

So much we've done - and tomorrow (Wednesday) we're off to Ireland for the 4th and final country. I forgot Paris (to post it) which I will, but I've updated my Flickr account with a bunch of photos.

Next Stop: Homeland de Pepe le Peu

Es dia finale en Barcelona.  Visited the Park Guëll today.  Es muy awesome-o.  Many fotographs de fantastique (could not tel you if that is correct Spanish, not that it matters as BArcelona peep speak CATALAN Spanish as opposed to CASTILLIAN which is what they teach in 100% of US high schools. God DAMN it.). Also, many castles, or buildings that look like castes, errgo, the track in my head where in The Pricess Bride, Miracle MAx (Bill Crystal) wishes Sir Wesley, ¨Have fun storming the castle.¨ HAs yet to get old for me,

What esle-o....oh, Miquel and I play this game I made up called ¨¿Si´o no?¨wherein we can ask a simple question about anything (una cerveza¿ Si o no? ¨), but have to respond like we are Mango from Saturday Night Live. ¨Siiiii´¨

Pardone, Jenny, te gusta  Mango´s shorts? Si o no?

Mango y JLO

¨Ay, Nooooo.¨

I dunno, maybe you have to be here.  Sadly for Meg and Tim, they will be subjected to the Migeul y Jennie Si o No Show when we meet in up London (i hola!!!). 

In closing, under the influence of a few cervezas, may have promised a job to a to-be engineer grad at my company, which happens to have an office in Barcelona.

Es muy estupido: Si o no?

Siiiiiiii.

Kees, kees-

Jennie.

P.S. pardon the misakes, they are charging by the minute and this keyboard el sucks.

i hola!

Dear Barcelona,

Un request...o:  STREET SIGNS. Like really, so difficult to have those kicking around?

Enjoying Spain, if I can forgive ¨Miguel¨for sleeping until THREE P.M.

Also, title to this post from same "persona","hey, I see a see a really big sign that says i hola.¨

Um, Mike, that´s an upside down exclamation point...dumbass.

Also, per order of Jeremiah, pretending 1 Euro is = to $US buck. That way we will not want to slit our wrists. So far, plan is working muy bueno.

today we saw one person walking thru the Plaza  Catalayna muttering to herself, ¨left, right, left, right¨ with each step.  I wonder if she, too, is a fan of lists.

Pigeons like to attack people here.  Serisouly- ¿WFT, pigeons?

Anyway, off to walk around. 

Hasta luego, mis amigos.

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